DV (Deco)

Today I realized that even as we grow, those around us do not. Age does not make us more intelligent or even more weary of how to treat others. It’s only after we hurt and deal with certain situations in our lives do we realize that we need to treat people with a certain kind of respect. We don’t do it for them, we do it because it makes us better human beings. 
Last week I hooked up with a guy who I genuinely thought was ‘nice’. I’ve known of him for years but never really reached out to engage in conversation until last month. So we got together and I thought he was god sent!! Not sexually because to be honest I felt he lacked a bit of experience but as a person. I got to his place after work and he let me take a long shower, he washed all my clothes and in the morning he even took me to breakfast. Fuck I thought, I could work with this! I could definitely help him improve sexually and was willing to overlook that for being such a nice guy.
But boy was I wrong!!

My issue right now is why did I misjudge him. Am I so fucked up that the first guy who comes with ‘game’ is able to so easily deceive me? I know that my id still seeks to find companionship in some way or form. I know I would like to have a constant in my life that is more than just the sexual component but how did I misread him so much? 

Since last week (despite my leaving for 3 days on a Caribbean getaway) I have not spent any time with him. Normally it’s not a big deal but we work the same hours and he is 5 minutes away from my job! I would think that he would seek me out at least for the sexual component. 
I honestly think I’m out of touch with the world of men sometimes……

Life & the Pursuit of Unhappiness

Today I woke up reminded how I’m not good enough for some men. I hate having conversations with men about life and all that jazz. The truth is that I know because I can’t give a man children I automatically have to go towards another type. I have to look for men who have kids, don’t want kids (which is rare) or are older who like above have a life established and kids don’t fit the bill. I’ve been pushing myself so hard these past few months to lose weight and look better so that maybe, just maybe I can make myself more ‘marketable’. But who am I kidding, I’ve got a long road ahead and despite knowing I have amazing skills in bed it’s just not enough with how I look. I’m not obese by any means or standards but I’m currently about 15-20lbs overweight and it all sits on my fucking belly and nasty double chin and let’s not even talk about my huge arms which most days I can at least manage to hide. I guess what kills me is that I’m not Sally from the Valley all prim and proper and I don’t have a killer body and well we all know I love sex and that’s not settle down material. Despite what men say, I’m Ms. Right now not anyone’s Ms. Right. 
My ex always said if we couldn’t have kids we would be happy just he and I and the dog but in the end he just stopped loving me. He spent over 6 months without touching me and it made me feel ugly inside and out. His passion for me just died and all I wanted was to be loved. I knew I had to lose weight but I also knew it was because I couldn’t give him children despite trying for so long. It killed a part of me inside and I don’t know if I’ll ever get that back. If it was because I was overweight and not because I couldn’t give him kids he could have talked to me and expressed his feelings. But he never talked to me. I HATED that. With no communication in any relationship you have absolutely nothing. If he would have assured me that it wasn’t because of the kids I would have busted my ass to keep us intimate. But he just stopped loving me. Even when I would walk through the door I wouldn’t get a hello or goodbye kiss. It was truly heartbreaking. 
Life is truly cruel sometimes but we just have to keep moving forward despite it.

Dealing with My Infertility

Most days I go through the motions and don’t think about the fact that I will never have a child. I try not to dwell on it or even think about it. But other days it’s like it’s slapping me in the face and cruelly reminding me of my downfall. It’s been a hard long road for me and I know it will get worse before it gets better but I’m fighting through it. 

The other night I broke down mentally. I think about the men in my life and how I know I could never truly be with them in more than a physical capacity and it’s simply because I can’t give them a family. These men are more than happy to just provide sex with no emotional attachment. I know my worth as a person and as a woman but that doesn’t mean shit. Most men if not all want a woman who will give them children, build a family that will continue their name and legacy. I cannot give a man that. 

I feel broken inside. I feel incomplete as a woman. I feel lost and displaced because even though it does not define me in a certain way I feel it does. All I have to offer is amazing sex. That’s what I’m good at. Sex is why men seek me. Sex is what I have to offer. 

People don’t understand but sex is what gives me the power to get past it all. The power I feel in sexual relationships is what gets me through the day and looking forward to tomorrow or the next conquest. Inside I’m like a man putting notches on my belt for every new man; so many that I’ve lost count. It’s the game I play to face my days.

Morning Fantasies of Mr. Crossfit 3

I wake up and there you are staring at me. I stare back for a minute or so and you get up on your knees. My pussy is sore from last nights fuck session and still filled with your orgasmic milky explosions. You pull my legs towards you and I’m scared of the pain my poor pussy is about to experience. I welcome the pain despite my fear and I yearn for it. You bring my legs around your waist and your head comes up to my breasts. You ask me if I’m going to be a good girl and take it. I nod my head up and down and bite my lower lip. You take your thumb and come up to my face and place it next to my mouth. Your eyes are ignited with fire; a fire that needs to be put out. You know my pussy is the only thing with the juices needed to calm the fire within you. As your thumb slides inside my mouth your dick proceeds to do the same inside my pussy. 
My mouth opens wide from the breathlessness, the intense pain and pleasure mixed together as one. I’m in pain and I don’t care because I want it so bad. You pull back out and give me a devilish grin and with no recourse start pounding inside me. I’m falling into an abyss and my senses are so heightened. The pain is ever consuming but I want it, I welcome it. The pleasure is building inside and I know my orgasm is imminent. You come down and suck on my left nipple, it’s taking me over the edge but not quite. I moan loud and you slide out. 
I look at you in disbelief and you give me that killer grin again. Your finger gives me that come here twitch and I get up and get on all fours. It’s my lips you want now on that gorgeous cock and I’m more than willing despite being denied my orgasm. I’m more than happy to play this game of delayed gratification. I slide my lips right over the head. It’s all wet from my juices and I realize how savoring my pussy is. I slide my lips all the way to the base and retreat again to the head. I can hear you moaning and cursing all at the same time. You attempt to grab my head and I grab your arms and push you off balance. You were not expecting that and I’m able to gain some control of your body as I push your torso down. Your hands come back up to my head but I push them down, pinning them at the sides. I know you can get loose but I’m ecstatic that you allow me to play. 
My head is moving up and down and my sucked in cheeks are creating a friction I can only imagine you are loving. You push my left hand out of the way and grab the back of my head as you lift it up. You come up and kiss me feverishly and I swear I’m going to come from the assault your tongue gives my tongue. We are both on our knees at this point and with one quick swipe I am under you again with my legs wide open.
You whisper in my ear how you love to taste my own pussy on my lips. I smile and with no warning your dick is sliding in with force and no regard. You are pumping into me hard and fast and I can’t think, I can’t breathe and I can only feel and let go. Our eyes are locked and you can feel the pulsing in my vagina indicating I’m about to orgasm. It takes you over the edge and before I realize it, I’m so far gone. Your moans in my ear are the last thing I hear before I pass out from the ever intense shared orgasm.

Letter to Mr. Crossfit

There’s a peace that comes from within when you reach a place you’ve longed for. You might think I speak of some inner zen but the truth is, sexual release is what gives me this peace. Sexual release on a level I feel I can get with you, it’s a place where you and I have just touched the surface. 

With you I can explore, dive in, play, create, allow and just be myself sexually. Sometimes you seek a person hoping to connect on a mental level but in a physical aspect and you never find it. Connecting with someone mentally when it comes to sex is a different level of sex in and of itself. I finally feel like I can reach new heights and orgasmic blisses with you. I’ve searched so long for someone to want to play and discover with me. 

I don’t seek a friend, I don’t seek nuance or trivial conversations, I don’t care for daily routines; none of those things I care about or matter to me. But that sexual connection that we have to experiment, try and play is what I want; it’s what I need and yearn for. It’s this physical desire that touches you mentally but only for the sake of achieving the ultimate sexual high….

Morning Fantasies of Mr. Crossfit 2

It’s almost 8 and I’m struggling to sleep. You sense my agitation and spoon my body towards yours in bed. I welcome the warmth your body provides. I nestle my ass to your already swollen cock. I’m not fully awake but not fully asleep. Your right hand reaches over and cups my right breast. It feels soft and full in comparison to your rough calloused hands and my body welcomes it. Your fingers put pressure on my nipple and my eyes open wide. You can’t see my facial expressions but the breath that escapes my mouth is very audible. Your teeth scrape my neck all the way to my right shoulder as your assault on my nipple continues. The intensity is building in between my legs from your nipple rubbing and my breathing is turning into short gasps which begin to turn into low moans. Your biting into my shoulder and the pain from your teeth with the sensation from my breast is overwhelming. You know my breasts are highly sensitive and your intention is to bring me to the edge. Your right hand moves up to my shoulder and you push it down as your upper body slides up from behind me. We lock eyes as your lips begin a further assault on my right breast. Your lips are tugging, your tongue soothing and your teeth pressuring and biting my nipple. The building sensation inside of me feels like a water dam ready to be released or cracked open from the pressure. Your movements on my nipple are methodical and calculated. My moans are so loud because now, your biting is hard and the sensation is paralyzing. We stare at each other as your hand travels down to my underwear. Your eyes never leaving mine and your teeth still clamped on my nipple. You slide your fingers in between now my soaking wet folds and you spare no mercy on my clit. ‘Fuck baby you are soaking wet’ and I close my eyes from the deep feeling in the back of my spine and you demandingly follow with ‘keep them open and look at me’. I feel the dam about to burst open when my eyes close again and you say ‘eyes open NOW’ ever so demanding. Your middle finger on my clit is playing a masterful piece of music and I’m going deep into a black abyss. My body is so far gone and what seems like an eternity has only been but maybe a few minutes. The water is seeping through the cracks of the dam and now you whisper in my ear ‘cum all over my hand beautiful but keep looking at me’. My moans complete your symphony as the orgasm breaks through and your fingers begin a different assault on my pussy….

Morning Fantasies of Mr. Crossfit

I wake up and I imagine you grabbing my throat from behind as your other hand guides my ass towards you. You slide your cock all the way into my pussy folds and tell me good morning. I’m not fully awake but I can feel my eyes rolling so far up my head from the sensation you bring about in my body. I can’t speak, my words are muffled by the pressure of your hand on my throats. My moan comes out like a grunt and I can barely breathe. You whisper in my ear that this pussy is yours and I can barely register anything because your fucking me with such intensity. It’s like my pussy is trying to get away and you are making sure it’s not. You pound hard and extract slow, then ram back in with such force. After only a few minutes your hand finds and circles my clit and I detonate inside with such compulsion. I scream that I’m coming and it’s enough to send you over the edge. In my ear I hear you telling me not to stop, to cum all over your dick and I do. Our juices blended together as your rhythm slows, create a masterful cream pie….

My Exquisite Muse Mr. Crossfit 5

Don’t you miss my lips….? My taking you in to my mouth and sucking until my lips tire…? Going so deep all the way down my throat my breathing is obstructed….? Don’t you want and desire that…? 
Close your eyes and imagine my lips devouring you and attempting to eat you and taste you all at the same time. I want to swallow you whole. I want the smell to permeate my nostrils so deep that when I sleep my only dreams are of you making me yours. 

My Exquisite Muse Mr. Crossfit 4

I can still smell you in my mind and taste you in my mouth. I can feel your hands on my ass spreading my cheeks and biting hard, nibbling soft, biting again but harder. The pain is oh so terrifying and yet so liberating. I’m getting excited and wet. I’m scared the skin will break and expectant it will but it doesn’t. We are building a sexual trust and I’m loving giving in. The fear and excitement both together as one. My pussy is throbbing with a deep desire to feel you inside me and it’s like you can read my mind because your fingers start to massage my lips and your face sinks deep within my folds. I’m trying to touch you and grab you from behind me but I’m so far gone with desire and wanton that I quickly try to desist. The burning sensation and desire within the pit of my stomach is making me weak. I need you so bad. Your impatience with my hands at their attempt to grab you comes to head and you grab both my arms. In a swift movement you slide deep within me from behind. You slide in effortlessly because my pussy is wet from the foreplay. There’s a tingling sensation that travels to the base of my spine. It’s a desire so deep I just want to lose myself in it. Your thrusts are so deep and so forceful; slow and mechanical so I don’t miss a single feeling. My moans get stuck in my throat from so much want. I want to scream and release this immense sensation. I try to turn around but you won’t let me. I know it’s because of the depth you are achieving. It’s hard to stop when it’s so fucking delicious. Time stands still and time goes fast, before I realize I’m on the precipice and it’s a sensation I want to relish in… I go over the mountain edge and my brain function is diminished tenfold. I just want to bask in this warmth within me but you don’t stop and I’m amazed at your virility. I shouldn’t though, your body is that of a god. It’s perfect in all angles; like a temple and your pen name for me is Mr. Crossfit after all… I turn around and kiss you. You kiss me back with tenderness and it’s just what I need at the moment. Now I just want to devour you. My tongue darts out to taste myself on you and it’s such a turn on. You grab my hair and pull me up to you, our eyes do this dance as our tongues collide with one another. You lay down and just stare at me as I nuzzle my body in between your legs. I can still smell the desire in you that hasn’t been released. My senses are so keen with you. I suck gently on your balls and my mouth tugs on them. It’s like your my last meal and I want to take you all in. My tongue slides all the way up your underside and I look into your eyes. I’m anticipating my own actions and becoming more aroused which I find isn’t even possible. I’m still trying to come down from the blissful mind blowing orgasm. My tongue makes it all the way to the glorious head and I envelop it with my lips. It’s taste is succulent. I suck on the head gently when all I want is swallow it whole. I slide down slowly until my lips touch the base but I want more. Your head touches the back of my throat and I simulate swallowing with my throat. It gives it an extra sensation deeper inside my mouth. You grab my head and attempt to keep me there a bit longer and I start to gag; what a glorious feeling. Now I can’t breathe so I come back up for air. When I’m able to get some air I go back down and simulate my mouth fucking you slowly. I look at you and your eyes are closed, such a fucking turn on to know I can bring pleasure to you on this level…..

My Exquisite Muse Mr. Crossfit 3

Later tonight I will see him again. Two weeks to the last time I was hypnotized by his amazing sexual skills. I knew he would be good just never imagined he would beyond surpass that. I never imagined that he would be utterly amazing and almost perfect.

I reach out to him in small talk and sometimes hours and days pass before I hear back from him. He doesn’t understand that I don’t care about his feelings per se. I don’t want to talk about how your day was or how is work treating you. I don’t care what you had for breakfast, lunch or dinner. I don’t care if you have plans and are going somewhere. I don’t care about you at all. What I do care about is keeping this flame inside of me alive. I want to flirt with you on the phone, hear you say what you’re thinking of sexually. I want to know the things that you would like me to do to you. I want you to keep me wet during the day with just your words.

In the beginning my method didn’t work. Perhaps I enjoyed our silly flirting too much but what I wanted as an end result was always the same; him inside of me tearing up my pussy. Men confuse women trying to interact with them as women seeking something more and that’s not the case. A women just likes to talk about sex (well some do). I like to engage and get turned on by words. I want to fantasize and men mistake that for other nonsense. I want the interaction for purely sexual purposes; hear all the dirty things in your mind and allow me to visualize it throughout the day….

Humans need to learn to communicate better.