Today I realized that even as we grow, those around us do not. Age does not make us more intelligent or even more weary of how to treat others. It’s only after we hurt and deal with certain situations in our lives do we realize that we need to treat people with a certain kind of respect. We don’t do it for them, we do it because it makes us better human beings.
Last week I hooked up with a guy who I genuinely thought was ‘nice’. I’ve known of him for years but never really reached out to engage in conversation until last month. So we got together and I thought he was god sent!! Not sexually because to be honest I felt he lacked a bit of experience but as a person. I got to his place after work and he let me take a long shower, he washed all my clothes and in the morning he even took me to breakfast. Fuck I thought, I could work with this! I could definitely help him improve sexually and was willing to overlook that for being such a nice guy.
But boy was I wrong!!
My issue right now is why did I misjudge him. Am I so fucked up that the first guy who comes with ‘game’ is able to so easily deceive me? I know that my id still seeks to find companionship in some way or form. I know I would like to have a constant in my life that is more than just the sexual component but how did I misread him so much?
Since last week (despite my leaving for 3 days on a Caribbean getaway) I have not spent any time with him. Normally it’s not a big deal but we work the same hours and he is 5 minutes away from my job! I would think that he would seek me out at least for the sexual component.
I honestly think I’m out of touch with the world of men sometimes……
Today I woke up reminded how I’m not good enough for some men. I hate having conversations with men about life and all that jazz. The truth is that I know because I can’t give a man children I automatically have to go towards another type. I have to look for men who have kids, don’t want kids (which is rare) or are older who like above have a life established and kids don’t fit the bill. I’ve been pushing myself so hard these past few months to lose weight and look better so that maybe, just maybe I can make myself more ‘marketable’. But who am I kidding, I’ve got a long road ahead and despite knowing I have amazing skills in bed it’s just not enough with how I look. I’m not obese by any means or standards but I’m currently about 15-20lbs overweight and it all sits on my fucking belly and nasty double chin and let’s not even talk about my huge arms which most days I can at least manage to hide. I guess what kills me is that I’m not Sally from the Valley all prim and proper and I don’t have a killer body and well we all know I love sex and that’s not settle down material. Despite what men say, I’m Ms. Right now not anyone’s Ms. Right.
My ex always said if we couldn’t have kids we would be happy just he and I and the dog but in the end he just stopped loving me. He spent over 6 months without touching me and it made me feel ugly inside and out. His passion for me just died and all I wanted was to be loved. I knew I had to lose weight but I also knew it was because I couldn’t give him children despite trying for so long. It killed a part of me inside and I don’t know if I’ll ever get that back. If it was because I was overweight and not because I couldn’t give him kids he could have talked to me and expressed his feelings. But he never talked to me. I HATED that. With no communication in any relationship you have absolutely nothing. If he would have assured me that it wasn’t because of the kids I would have busted my ass to keep us intimate. But he just stopped loving me. Even when I would walk through the door I wouldn’t get a hello or goodbye kiss. It was truly heartbreaking.
Life is truly cruel sometimes but we just have to keep moving forward despite it.
You walk through the door and I’m patiently waiting on the floor for your entry. The impatience within to see it, hold it, caress it and taste it is overwhelming. It’s been over a month since I last saw you and I’ve died a million slow deaths without your cock. I’m on my knees and you slide your fingers against my face as you stand in front of me. I lean in to your hand as my hands slowly open up your belt, open up your pants and reach in to pull your cock out. It’s already hard because you know what’s coming. I see the grin plastered all over your face. You know that I’m about to devour you whole.
You lean against the desk in the room and wait. My mouth opens wide and I take the entire head in. My need for the smell and taste has no mercy. You look down on me as I slide my entire mouth down to the base. I slide back up and the air gives way to a sensation as it hits your shaft. Your hands now grasp the desk that’s behind you and I can see that you want this just as bad. I slide down once more to the base and the unadulterated groan that escapes you makes my pussy gush with wetness. My hands come up and like a symphony plays with your balls at the right vibration and pressure. The words ‘fuck me’ escape your lips and now my face holds a grin despite having your cock shoved all the way down my throat.
I take my time, licking the undershaft, sucking the head, savoring every bit of skin and engulfing it down my throats to the point of breathlessness. You haven’t touched me since you walked in from fear I’ll stop and I see it in your eyes. I know you want to take over and take control. I stare at you and say ‘do your worst’. You gather my hair from my nape and bundle it in your hand while the other hand wraps around my neck. You restrain my breathing and at the same time make sure I’m gagging from the depth you’ve pushed my head down your cock. The saliva drops from my mouth when you allow air to flow again, and then again you restrict my breathing. I am in awe of your dominance and I welcome and embrace it.
I continue my assault on your cock with my lips and tongue. You lose yourself in the moment and while still holding my hair you release your deathly grip of my neck and surrender to the feelings. Your neck falls back and the low growl is enough to tell me that I have you close and almost at the precipice. I strengthen the pull and the suction in my mouth and then grab your ass. I pull you deeper into my face as if it were at all possible. You look down directly in my eyes and I see your emotions plastered everywhere. You can’t hold back and I look back at you giving you and making you feel the assurance that I’m not going to stop. Both of your hands come to my head and the rumble that stirs from within your throat becomes a strong and loud growl and you pump your cock releasing your venom down my throat ……
Most days I go through the motions and don’t think about the fact that I will never have a child. I try not to dwell on it or even think about it. But other days it’s like it’s slapping me in the face and cruelly reminding me of my downfall. It’s been a hard long road for me and I know it will get worse before it gets better but I’m fighting through it.
The other night I broke down mentally. I think about the men in my life and how I know I could never truly be with them in more than a physical capacity and it’s simply because I can’t give them a family. These men are more than happy to just provide sex with no emotional attachment. I know my worth as a person and as a woman but that doesn’t mean shit. Most men if not all want a woman who will give them children, build a family that will continue their name and legacy. I cannot give a man that.
I feel broken inside. I feel incomplete as a woman. I feel lost and displaced because even though it does not define me in a certain way I feel it does. All I have to offer is amazing sex. That’s what I’m good at. Sex is why men seek me. Sex is what I have to offer.
People don’t understand but sex is what gives me the power to get past it all. The power I feel in sexual relationships is what gets me through the day and looking forward to tomorrow or the next conquest. Inside I’m like a man putting notches on my belt for every new man; so many that I’ve lost count. It’s the game I play to face my days.
I wake up and I imagine you grabbing my throat from behind as your other hand guides my ass towards you. You slide your cock all the way into my pussy folds and tell me good morning. I’m not fully awake but I can feel my eyes rolling so far up my head from the sensation you bring about in my body. I can’t speak, my words are muffled by the pressure of your hand on my throats. My moan comes out like a grunt and I can barely breathe. You whisper in my ear that this pussy is yours and I can barely register anything because your fucking me with such intensity. It’s like my pussy is trying to get away and you are making sure it’s not. You pound hard and extract slow, then ram back in with such force. After only a few minutes your hand finds and circles my clit and I detonate inside with such compulsion. I scream that I’m coming and it’s enough to send you over the edge. In my ear I hear you telling me not to stop, to cum all over your dick and I do. Our juices blended together as your rhythm slows, create a masterful cream pie….
Don’t you miss my lips….? My taking you in to my mouth and sucking until my lips tire…? Going so deep all the way down my throat my breathing is obstructed….? Don’t you want and desire that…?
Close your eyes and imagine my lips devouring you and attempting to eat you and taste you all at the same time. I want to swallow you whole. I want the smell to permeate my nostrils so deep that when I sleep my only dreams are of you making me yours.
I can still smell you in my mind and taste you in my mouth. I can feel your hands on my ass spreading my cheeks and biting hard, nibbling soft, biting again but harder. The pain is oh so terrifying and yet so liberating. I’m getting excited and wet. I’m scared the skin will break and expectant it will but it doesn’t. We are building a sexual trust and I’m loving giving in. The fear and excitement both together as one. My pussy is throbbing with a deep desire to feel you inside me and it’s like you can read my mind because your fingers start to massage my lips and your face sinks deep within my folds. I’m trying to touch you and grab you from behind me but I’m so far gone with desire and wanton that I quickly try to desist. The burning sensation and desire within the pit of my stomach is making me weak. I need you so bad. Your impatience with my hands at their attempt to grab you comes to head and you grab both my arms. In a swift movement you slide deep within me from behind. You slide in effortlessly because my pussy is wet from the foreplay. There’s a tingling sensation that travels to the base of my spine. It’s a desire so deep I just want to lose myself in it. Your thrusts are so deep and so forceful; slow and mechanical so I don’t miss a single feeling. My moans get stuck in my throat from so much want. I want to scream and release this immense sensation. I try to turn around but you won’t let me. I know it’s because of the depth you are achieving. It’s hard to stop when it’s so fucking delicious. Time stands still and time goes fast, before I realize I’m on the precipice and it’s a sensation I want to relish in… I go over the mountain edge and my brain function is diminished tenfold. I just want to bask in this warmth within me but you don’t stop and I’m amazed at your virility. I shouldn’t though, your body is that of a god. It’s perfect in all angles; like a temple and your pen name for me is Mr. Crossfit after all… I turn around and kiss you. You kiss me back with tenderness and it’s just what I need at the moment. Now I just want to devour you. My tongue darts out to taste myself on you and it’s such a turn on. You grab my hair and pull me up to you, our eyes do this dance as our tongues collide with one another. You lay down and just stare at me as I nuzzle my body in between your legs. I can still smell the desire in you that hasn’t been released. My senses are so keen with you. I suck gently on your balls and my mouth tugs on them. It’s like your my last meal and I want to take you all in. My tongue slides all the way up your underside and I look into your eyes. I’m anticipating my own actions and becoming more aroused which I find isn’t even possible. I’m still trying to come down from the blissful mind blowing orgasm. My tongue makes it all the way to the glorious head and I envelop it with my lips. It’s taste is succulent. I suck on the head gently when all I want is swallow it whole. I slide down slowly until my lips touch the base but I want more. Your head touches the back of my throat and I simulate swallowing with my throat. It gives it an extra sensation deeper inside my mouth. You grab my head and attempt to keep me there a bit longer and I start to gag; what a glorious feeling. Now I can’t breathe so I come back up for air. When I’m able to get some air I go back down and simulate my mouth fucking you slowly. I look at you and your eyes are closed, such a fucking turn on to know I can bring pleasure to you on this level…..
Later tonight I will see him again. Two weeks to the last time I was hypnotized by his amazing sexual skills. I knew he would be good just never imagined he would beyond surpass that. I never imagined that he would be utterly amazing and almost perfect.
I reach out to him in small talk and sometimes hours and days pass before I hear back from him. He doesn’t understand that I don’t care about his feelings per se. I don’t want to talk about how your day was or how is work treating you. I don’t care what you had for breakfast, lunch or dinner. I don’t care if you have plans and are going somewhere. I don’t care about you at all. What I do care about is keeping this flame inside of me alive. I want to flirt with you on the phone, hear you say what you’re thinking of sexually. I want to know the things that you would like me to do to you. I want you to keep me wet during the day with just your words.
In the beginning my method didn’t work. Perhaps I enjoyed our silly flirting too much but what I wanted as an end result was always the same; him inside of me tearing up my pussy. Men confuse women trying to interact with them as women seeking something more and that’s not the case. A women just likes to talk about sex (well some do). I like to engage and get turned on by words. I want to fantasize and men mistake that for other nonsense. I want the interaction for purely sexual purposes; hear all the dirty things in your mind and allow me to visualize it throughout the day….
Humans need to learn to communicate better.
In life people cross your path to leave an imprint sometimes negative and other times positive. He was different and I now know why. Despite his situation I wish someone would love me and be committed to me the way he is with her. He’s caring for her because she is sick despite the fact that she doesn’t remember him. But that will never happen. I’m successful, own my home and car but I’m not worthy of anyone’s love. It’s just not in the cards for me. Successful women never get the good men. Truth is the losers and crazies always get the good men and then they tear them down to have them now hate women or simply treat women differently. C. O. could have been a great summer fling but now he is just another booty call. 4/22
The sensation returns to the pit of my stomach. I close my eyes and I try to replay so many details. I remember so many and yet it was so much in one day, many details escape me. I remember the 69 with him on top because he was fucking my mouth. I couldn’t breathe but I didn’t care. He was trying to grind into me and I was trying to gain control with much difficult. My hands were on his ass and I was relishing in total desire and satisfaction.
His smell is something that’s embedded in my nostrils. God he smelled so fucking good it was like I wanted to inhale him. When he came on my stomach, I spread my fingers over it to taste and and I couldn’t believe how good he tasted. Full disclosure I hate that taste but I just knew it would be different with him and it was. Fuck I want him again so fucking bad.
I’ve had so many countless lovers and somehow he’s made his way to the top of that long list. I never thought that possible. 5 orgasms in one day, how can I not crown him the best ever. His hands so methodical and his mouth so full of tender caresses all over my body, his manhood guided by his skillful fucking of women. A god in all descript yet still just a man.